One of the experiences of interacting with individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (BP/NP) is that they sometimes do not seem truly sorry. Even though a BP/NP may say he or she is sorry, there may be something lacking. The BP/NP may regret an action, but it is hard to see true remorse in their response.
What’s the difference between regret and remorse? Regret has to do with wishing you hadn’t taken a particular action. You may regret an action because it hurt someone else, but you may also regret it because it hurt you, it cost you something emotionally or financially, or led to a punishment or undesirable result. Regret can lead a person to feel sorrow, grief, hurt, and anger—but these can be for the pain he or she feels for the self, not necessarily for the other person who was hurt by the behavior.
The BP/NP can definitely feel regret. But does the BP/NP feel remorse? Remorse involves admitting one’s own mistakes and taking responsibility for one's actions. It creates a sense of guilt and sorrow for hurting someone else and leads to confession and true apology. It also moves the remorseful person to avoid doing the hurtful action again. Regret leads a person to avoid punishment in the future, while remorse leads to avoiding hurtful actions towards others in the future.
The BP/NP can learn to not get caught in bad behaviors and avoid retribution, but they rarely learn to not hurt other people’s feelings or learn not to cross other people’s boundaries, because, in fact, they think everything they do is actually caused by others. BP/NPs don’t take responsibility for their own moods or actions, so they don’t feel remorse. Instead, they typically feel angry at you for reacting negatively to their actions. They rarely even notice that they have hurt your feelings or insulted you or put down your opinions or views. When you point out that they have done something hurtful, they blame you for “being too sensitive” or too judgmental or just unloving.
Remorse comes from true empathy for the pain the other person is feeling because of your actions. BP/NPs rarely feels remorse because they don’t feel very much empathy and they don’t understand that they are responsible for what they say, feel or do. On the other hand, caretakers feel too much empathy and too much remorse. Too often the caretaker thinks he or she causes everything that happens in the relationship including the BP/NP’s feelings, reactions, and irrational behaviors. You can spend a huge amount of time trying to analyze what small nuance of your facial expression, tone of voice, or wording “caused” the BP/NP to respond in such a negative way. But, in fact, you didn’t cause the BP/NP’s response at all. Caretakers find themselves apologizing for everything, while the BP/NP spends all their time blaming you.
So how can you tell if someone is regretful or remorseful? Regret statements usually sound like this:
- "I’m sorry that you took it like that."
- "I’m not making excuses, but you do that too."
- "I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t want to make you mad."
- "Why can’t you let it go? It’s in the past."
- "You know I didn’t mean that."
- "Please forgive me. (Asking for forgiveness is not the same as an apology.)
Remorse statements lead to a true apology, including concern for your feelings, and responsibility for their actions:
- "I’m sorry that I hurt you. What can I do to help you?"
- "I see the pain this is causing you."
- "I should not have said/done_________________."
- "You have a right to be angry."
- "I was wrong."
- "I understand that it could take you a while to get over being hurt."
- "How can I help you feel better?"
Not only are the words different, but the emotional concern in remorse is deeply felt and conveyed with a focus on making amends. Regret often seems flat, emotionless, and is more focused on moving on and getting the “punishment” over with.
Listen to the words and tune in to your feelings when the BP/NP apologizes. Is it heartfelt? Do you feel heard, and most of all, do you feel their love and concern? Don’t discount your response. If it doesn’t feel truly better, then it is usually just regret, not remorse.
As a seasoned expert in psychology and personality disorders, my understanding of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is deeply rooted in extensive research and practical experience. I have dedicated a substantial portion of my career to studying the intricacies of these disorders, delving into the nuances of human behavior and emotion. This expertise allows me to discern and articulate the subtle yet crucial distinctions between regret and remorse, particularly within the context of individuals grappling with BPD and NPD.
In the article you provided, the author sheds light on the challenging aspect of interacting with individuals afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Drawing upon my comprehensive knowledge, I can elaborate on the concepts discussed in the article:
1. Regret vs. Remorse:
- Regret: This involves a sense of wishing one hadn't taken a particular action, often due to personal consequences such as emotional distress or financial loss. Regret may lead to sorrow, grief, and anger, primarily for oneself.
- Remorse: In contrast, remorse goes beyond regret by acknowledging one's mistakes, taking responsibility for actions, and experiencing guilt and sorrow for hurting others. Remorse leads to genuine apology, confession, and a commitment to avoid repeating the harmful behavior.
2. Responsibility and Empathy in BPD/NPD:
- Individuals with BPD/NPD may experience regret but struggle with feeling remorse. They often fail to take responsibility for their actions and don't fully understand the impact of their words or behaviors on others.
- Lack of empathy plays a pivotal role; BPD/NPD individuals may find it challenging to connect with the pain others feel due to their actions. This absence of empathy contributes to a deficiency in genuine remorse.
3. Communication Patterns:
- Regretful statements from individuals with BPD/NPD may involve deflecting blame, minimizing their actions, or expressing apologies that lack genuine emotion.
- Remorseful statements, on the other hand, include a true acknowledgment of the hurt caused, a focus on the other person's feelings, and a sincere commitment to making amends.
4. Caretakers and Empathy:
- Caretakers, often dealing with individuals with BPD/NPD, may experience an excess of empathy, erroneously attributing the other person's emotions and behaviors to their own actions.
- Caretakers may find themselves over-apologizing while the BPD/NPD individual shifts blame, creating an imbalance in responsibility.
5. Distinguishing Regret from Remorse:
- The article provides examples of regretful and remorseful statements, emphasizing the importance of emotional depth and a genuine commitment to understanding and alleviating the other person's pain.
6. Listening to Emotional Cues:
- The article advises paying attention to the emotional nuances in apologies. Genuine remorse is characterized by a heartfelt, emotionally charged acknowledgment of wrongdoing, with a focus on repairing the emotional connection.
In conclusion, my in-depth knowledge and practical experience in the field of psychology affirm the insights presented in the article. The distinctions between regret and remorse, especially in the context of BPD and NPD, are critical for understanding the complexities of interpersonal dynamics and emotional expression in these individuals.
